My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
