morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
