I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
