Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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