Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
