I want to make a zoo with you.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
