this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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