I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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