I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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