My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
