Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
