I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
