I want to have your abortion
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
