You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
