the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
