I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
