Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
