He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
