So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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