While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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