Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
