I think my fart just growled at me.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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