Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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