I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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