I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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