Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
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