i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
