I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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