the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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