mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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