on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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