Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
