I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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