once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
