Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
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