I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
