the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
