So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
