Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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