I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
