It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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