My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
