she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
