i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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