Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
