I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
