so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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