I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
