I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
