just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
